MDMA (3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine) – colloquially known as ecstasy, often abbreviated “E” or “X” – is an entactogenic drug of the phenethylamine and amphetamine class of drugs.

i never really got into drugs as a teenager/young adult. i smoked pot and took adderall when i was in college, but i was done with both of those by the time i was 19, really, and never tried anything else. this past year, that changed. i decided i wanted to experiment with drugs in a controlled, thoughtful setting. i’m curious about what i can do with my body. 

recently, i expressed my interest in trying ecstasy to my bf. he’d done it as a youngster, and had told me about his own experiences with it (some good, some ‘eh’). our 6 month anniversary was last week, and he blew into town with 2 pure mdma capsules. we decided to take them after a low-key evening together. grabbed water and starbursts (at his suggestion), and downed em in my room. 

…nothing.

30 minutes rolled by. i read, he caught up on the habs hockey game.

…still nothing.

i searched the internet for ways to make the experience more potent (or at the least anything more than nothing). no luck. decided to watch a movie. we lay there, him rubbing my back, me kind of bummed out, for about 45 minutes. 

…still nothi—i needed to kiss him right then.

it was as if i switch had been flipped. one moment i was off, and the next…i was on. i needed to touch him. i had to kiss him. i felt like an animal, crawling up to his mouth. we lay kissing on my bed, and i couldn’t stop moaning. that reads sexually—it wasn’t. it just felt so good. his hadn’t hit at this point, and he told me later that he thought i was faking it—that i had to be. when he finally realized that i wasn’t, his first thought was, ‘holy shit. i am going to be out of my mind any minute now.’

and we were.

we kissed for hours, stroking each other’s hair, faces,  skin. i needed every part of me to touch every part of him. we are kind of an intense couple by nature, but this was a new plateau. we were every drug cliche i have ever read/heard about. 

“i just want us to be in love for the rest of our lives,” i said.

“i want to breathe the air that you breathe forever,” he replied. 

we were high as kites. the cynical, ‘are-you-fucking-kidding-me-with-this-bullshit’ part of my brain had left the building. i would realize dimly how ridiculous what i was saying sounded, but the thoughts would dissolve as soon as they appeared. 

he rubbed my feet. i licked his eyelids. 

eventually, he suggested that we have sex. my friend had advised against it, saying that E sex was never good. we eventually decided to do it anyway. this was probably going to be my only experience with it, after all. i’d regret not trying it, lousy or no. i had gotten overwhelmed earlier (too intense, a little scared, etc etc), and we were taking it slow. between the pace, my apprehension, his care, and my adult brain being somewhere in outer space, i felt like a goddamn virgin. it didn’t hurt that there was a chemical coursing through my bloodstream, making me feel like i was offering up something sacred. 

i came multiple times without thought or effort (it took me a few minutes to even realize i was having an orgasm the first time) before he climaxed. we lay in a swirling afterglow, listening to music and touching each other for the next few hours. 

i’ve tried a handful of drugs since my decision to experiment. one of my self-imposed conditions was that they are all one-offs. no need for repetition. this is the only time i’ve wanted to break my own rule. 

christ.