her: i should write about this dude i made out with the other night on boner patrol 

me: YES YOU SHOULD.

her: i went out with him over the summer.. i thought he was so hot and out of my league. 

me: details now. 

her: i do not think that at all anymore. 

me: what changed? 

her: i went to his house and made out with his sharp tongue and then he fingered me like his hands were a chainsaw.  i let him spank me a bunch though b/c i love that shit. 

me: HAHAHAHA 

her: and then i refused to have sex with him and went to bed. 

me: why did you refuse to have sex with him?

were you afraid his dick would be like a machete? 

her: he kept bragging about how big his dick was. he was well endowed, but srsly I’VE SEEN BIGGER.  i told him that he was just one in a sea of big dicks  and not to get too cocky about it.

i didn’t have sex with him, number 1 b/c no rubber. i thought at least the touch of his dong would be softer than that edward scissorhands fingering he gave me,  but, number 2, i was completely NOT TURNED ON AT ALL b/c of the painful fingerbanging and just wanted to drink myself to sleep…

which is what i did.   

ugh, to make matters worse when i left my friend X’s, i meant to txt her ‘i luv you’  bc i basically walked in her house, grabbed a beer and cigarette and walked immediately out when the prospect of sex arose. 

in the morning i saw on my phone that i txted ‘i luv you’ to the cocky asshole that shredded my vagina. 

me: HAHAHAHAHAHA  did he text back? 

her: NO.

i tried to cover my tracks the next morning…  which is pointless, but i still txted him saying the txt wasn’t meant for him.  

in his mind he’s probably thinking “yeah, right. that AZN prob still wants my ginormous cock.” 

me: yeah.  

“i KNEW she’d love ‘the wolverine.’”