August 2011
1 post
pizza
Mollie: you should get a paddle with words cut out
me: oooh. what should it say?
Mollie: cabbage.
me: i'm not getting cabbage spanked onto my ass either
Mollie: YOU'RE A PRUDE.
"pizza"!!!
your 2 passions: spanking and pizza
coming together on the planes of your ass
me: haha
i'd do that
May 2011
1 post
1 tag
You can warn your friendz, but that doesn't mean...
Me: Don't sweat him. He's a fucker. Keep in mind that when I was hanging out with him, he was all hung up on a 19 year old.
Her: Yeah, but I saw pictures of her and she was hot!
Me: Uh, she was OKAY. Besides all chicks that are fresh outta high school are hot. I was the hottest piece of meat on the plate TEN years ago.
March 2011
2 posts
“i want a soft heart inside a hard dick.”
– tribe 8
1 tag
Body Teenie, Big Weenie
Her: how was the date?
me: so after we left the bar, we went to this skincare/spa place that he co-owns with one of his exgirlfriends and he let me steal some nice products. we listened to grizzly bear... and then made out on like this massage table
Her: wtf hahahaha
me: and i got dirt all over the nice sheets on the table from my boots
Her: random date
me: and he was like 'whatever fuck it'
Her: was it good?
me: i felt his boner thru his jeans... he's got a big jewish dick. i'm supposed to hang out with him again on sunday. i'm like 99% sure i'm gonna bone him.
Her: hahaha he looks like he is confident in bed
me: i'm sure he is. the makeouts are pretty hot, he is so short compared to most dudez i d8. i don't really care though.
ok, 4real...
i let him suck my titties.
Her: hahahahaha
I just burst outload laughing
"for real girl, I gave him some nip"
me: i did though. then he tried to go in for my crotch, but i'm riding the crimson wave... so i just pretended like i'm really lady like and don't do shit like that on the first date.
Her: hahahahahahahahahaha
February 2011
7 posts
boner-killing mixtape '11 →
2 tags
procrastinating
me: tell me more about getting railed in the butt.
her: haha... it was pretty good. the first time, he barely got it in before i made him stop, but that was a couple weeks ago. the other day i didn't want to go to boxing practice but he was making me.
me: well thats good. you should go to boxing.... but instead you let him fuck you in the ass.
her: DOY!!! i said, "what if i just take some muscle relaxers and let you fuck me in the ass instead?"
3 tags
i'm ready for my closeup.
me: we also videotaped it… for the grandkids.
her: of course. video taping is so hot.
me: i know
her: i haven’t been comfortable enough to do that with anyone in forever, but when i was like 20 i used to let my bf video tape my blowjobs
me: hahaha. dirty bird.
her: when i watched them i was shocked at how sexy i thought i was. i thought i’d look gross.
me: I KNOW! i was...
fuck plushophilia →
this is my new fetish.
lucky charms
“i don’t want you to leave! i want to use all my charms to try to get you to stay!”
“what kind of charms?”
“you know…the slash-your-tires charm, the tie-you-up charm, the take-the-stuff-you-need charm, etc.”
“…your charms are all crimes.”
the next door is the back door.
when i was younger, anal sex never interested me.
“it’s an exit, not an entrance!” i’d proclaim.
i specifically laid this out for my first boyfriend. he had no problem with it. about a year into our relationship, he began toying with the backdoor while going down on me. i was suspicious at first—“aha! you crafty motherfucker! you’re just gearing up to...
rollin'
MDMA (3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine) – colloquially known as ecstasy, often abbreviated “E” or “X” – is an entactogenic drug of the phenethylamine and amphetamine class of drugs.
i never really got into drugs as a teenager/young adult. i smoked pot and took adderall when i was in college, but i was done with both of those by the time i was 19, really, and never tried...
January 2011
4 posts
i think it'll be okay.
her: i’m scared that i’m already in too deep emotionally with someone unwilling to commit. me: what did the text say? her: “i want to wear nipple clamps next time we bone down, you into that?”
“that ain’t no snack dick. that shit’s a meal.”
– my attempt at foreplay.
shreddin'
her: i should write about this dude i made out with the other night on boner patrol
me: YES YOU SHOULD.
her: i went out with him over the summer.. i thought he was so hot and out of my league.
me: details now.
her: i do not think that at all anymore.
me: what changed?
her: i went to his house and made out with his sharp tongue and then he fingered me like his hands were a chainsaw. i...
oh man
i had a 5 hour conversation w/ r last night. we exchanged our favorite pornography links, talked about what we get out of different positions, and discussed our mutual personal fantasies. given that my wank material strays pretty far into the dark purple (violet, if you will), it took some prodding. seriously—stuff i thought i’d take to the grave. then he told me that one of his JO...
December 2010
1 post
wax on, jerk off
i was talking to my bf on the phone while watching The Next Karate kid. i confessed that, while it is not a good film per se, i always thoroughly enjoy viewing it. he admitted that he felt the same way, then went on to confide that when he was younger, he used to masturbate while watching it.
“i’m in love with a man that jerked off to karate kid?!” i exclaimed.
“i was 16!...
November 2010
1 post
request
you may or may not have noticed a lack in updates on bonerpatrol. i have been hesitant to post updates in the past few months, as i am currently in a loving, non-fucked-up relationship. 3 things have swayed me:
1. i received word that there is an avid reader that requested more updates.
2. i got the green light from the ol’ ball and chain.
3. the above-mentioned B and C is hung like a...
August 2010
2 posts
we are masters of dirty talk
her: hahahhaa i feel like i could say ANYTHING to x. he thinks he’s a player, but he’s not really. he’d try to keep up
me: “put muddy water in my jumble box, x.’
her: hahhahaa i’m laughing out loud at work LULZ
me: i want to do dirty talk that doesn’t make any sense to see if they can keep their boner through it
her: hahahaha
me:...
4 tags
July 2010
7 posts
“It was nice to have yourself known by a man; it was getting to be known that was...”
– John Updike
(i am nervous)
k1ll3r d4t3!
i met a guy in philly when i was recently on tour with a band. we made out, but nothing further. since i’ve returned home, we have had multiple multiple-hour conversations on the phone. i am usually drunk or on drugs, but he seems to find that charming. i was telling him about some of the dates i’ve been on in the past couple years—about how i get wildly drunk and obnoxious, and...
4 tags
old pick up lines
me: wanna hear an old pickup line a friend made up?
him: ok
me: wanna fuck me from the back while i eat a denny's grand slam?
him: that's funny, but i would have chosen moons over my hammy. just sayin.
4 tags
6 tags
1 tag
June 2010
4 posts
#2? →
klaire recently compared my love life to r kelly’s #2. i am more than a little unsettled that it rang true.
am also more than a little relieved (given his personal track record) that the song was not what i had imagined.
datez
i went on a date monday, with this guy i know. it went well enough, although at one point, he told me that he once got in a fight with a guy, broke a bottle over his head, and then stabbed him with it.
we are going out again next week.
last night, my friend told me, “you need to find a guy that showers and has never done time.”
i know guys like that. they’re shitty dancers.
travelin
i recently ended up in philly during a roadtrip with friends, and brought an sc “ladies’ night”—one i hardly think the locals were prepared for. blacked out early in the evening and bull-in-a-china-shopped it for the rest of the night. wound up splitting a bottle of whiskey with a handsome acquaintance and walking hand-in-hand down the block (all the while playing a game of...
“kiss-to-headbutt ratio” is not a part of normal people’s romantic...”
– my friend, randi. we agree to disagree.
May 2010
8 posts
definitionz
being late for work because you got drunk and stayed up all night fucking that dude you d/dd/l//f and showing up in his work pants b/c all you had with you is your black fake-snakeskin spandex leggings:
bangover.
he'z in a band.
i was bedding down with the dude i d/dd/l/f the other night. our pre-deed pillow talk:
him: so…you ever fucked a dude in a band before?
me: nope, i never have. ever.
him: well, you are in luck then.
me: why, you know a guy?
him: well…i’m in a band.
me: oh yeah? i had no idea. what’s it called?
him: hootie and the blowfish.
i laughed so hard i almost...
what happened to fun?
me: i was talking to matt the other day, and he said, 'between you and _____, i don't know what the deal is. you are two of the most beautiful, laid-back girls that i know, and you have the absolute worst luck with dudes.'
her: ugh. we do. you know why? because people don't want laid-back. they want someone who treats them like shit that they have to conquer and earn, so that when they can squeeze affection out of them, it's like a prize. it boosts their sense of self-worth.
me: i am a national treasure! i'm the best catch in the nation! who the fuck wouldn't want to get with that?! come on, nation!
her: seriously! hey, u.s.a.--don't you want to get fucked really good, and then go get something to eat?
me: that's all i want.
her: me too. but apparently, it is a solo venture.
me: we're going to end up alone, eating sub sandwiches and masturbating, aren't we?
her: yes, we are.
bootz
i went to a show last week with that dude that i date/don’t date/love/fuck. we met up beforehand, shot the shit for a little while, and slammed some 4 lokos (look into it. not only will it guarantee a blackout drunk, but it is a powerful aphrodisiac. those two go hand in hand for me, more often than not. i digress). we were running late for the show, but i insisted on fucking—just a...
mushroomz
i tripped on mushrooms for the first time ever the friday before last. it was pretty fun. mild, but fun. me and the dude i date/don’t date/love/fuck split 3 chocolates, and i don’t think they were concentrated enough. i mean, i was definitely fucked up (i spent 35 minutes reading a 7-page pop up book, briefly mistook his dog for a possum and went to a drive-in and demanded a banana),...
dildon't
leave it to me to buy a sex toy, accidentally toss it in the wash with my laundry, and ruin it—all within the span of 6 hours.
FUCK.
yoga
i went to a sweaty yoga class for the first time in weeks. there is one instructor there that i’ve been wanting to instruct me for a while, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. i looked pretty gross considering i hadn’t exercised in weeks, but i didn’t really care. it was mat to mat all over the studio. about an hour into class we took a break in child’s pose. i always do this pose...
April 2010
3 posts
5 tags
in regards to the success of twilight: ideas for...
- the high school nerd, robbie develops a crush on the cheerleading captain, dana. he can’t quite pinpoint if it’s the longing gaze in dana’s eyes or her bountiful bosom, that attracts him. robbie follows her home from school to realize that she’s the bride of frankenstein. teaching this electrifying beauty the meaning of love becomes the most challenging task robbie has...
propositionz
i’ve been single for a total of two days and have already been propositioned for sex on the internet once. you don’t know this, but i like to write gross rap lyrics in my spare time. the dude, in an attempt to appeal to two of my main interests, basically said that he wanted to get busy and then write rap lyrics about our sex afterwards… but only if it’s dirty enough. i...
March 2010
2 posts
purchasez
i just went to cvs and bought 2 different kinds of lube, a 3-pack of vibrating cock ring condoms, and a snickers bar.
i would love to know what the cashier was thinking.
i don't pay good attention.
(at a party saturday)
“girl, i just fucked b___. my knees are still shaking!”
“whoa. where—the bathroom?”
“no—”
“in your car?”
“no, right over there against the side of the house.”
“WHAT? i was just standing over there!”
“i know. girl, you are so drunk.”
February 2010
1 post
i'm going to start paying attention to this blog...
me: i know. i’m sorry. i haven’t updated in a really long time. i’m overdue.
her: FUCK YOU. ohhhh, i’m so cool. i have meaningful relationships. i can’t update the dong blog anymore. i don’t want your excuses.
me: okay.
January 2010
14 posts
more chatz
me: come visit me already!
her: i want to.
me: these boners aren’t going to sit on themselves, you know.
her: yeah thats impossible! i think that means that I would have to sit on them.
me: well, i would help, but a girl can only sit on so many boners at one time….like, 2.
her: DP
me: yup. the ol’ chinese boner trap
her: can you help me think of crude female versions of...
chatz
me: i am getting drunk on smirnoff ice and watching benny and joon. what are you doing?
her: i’m getting ready to go to some party
her: they made the theme: [me] fest 2009: [name] gets laid
me:yessss!
her: yeah right we’ll see
me: i really hope you get your vagina filled tonight, ____.
her: god i hope so too
me: …and not with a fork.
her: i bet A a kebab that i...
memory lane
i was browsing some blogs i wrote years ago on another forum. apparently on july 19, 2007, i repeatedly drunkenly shouted at a bartender that i had a crush on,
“DO YOU KNOW WHY I DRINK SO MUCH?? BECAUSE I FUCKED JOHN TESH AND HE NEVER CALLED!”
the sex i didn't have (thank god)
oh man. remember that dude i boned those couple times? the one that was THE WORST i have ever slept with? the one that kept shouting quotes from ricki lake and ‘nice boobs!’ mid-coitus? the one that repeatedly bit my mouth until it was bloody and didn’t so much as touch (let alone stimulate) any of my pleasure organs before attempting to penetrate me?
i made out with that dude...
i've got you pegged.
i recently ran into this dude that i make out with when we run into each other. we met when he had first moved to the city. i was pole dancing, and he still smelled innocent and virginal (it was after he left bible college and before he discovered cocaine). we went on a date later that week that culminated with him vomiting in my watering can and passing out in my tub. i have been enamored with...
“pfft. look at you—waving your cervix around like it’s the hottest...”
– my ex