B0NER PATR0L
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txt oopz
him: my dick just filed for unemployment
him: FUCK I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEND THAT TO TWITTER SORRY
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i think i'm doing internet dating wrong.
g: wait a minute
this is a theme
me: what is the theme!
g: "i long for Death's sweet embrace. via doing you"
me: what!
when else
g: you were telling me yesterday you got on okcupid to get snuffed
me: hahahahaha
oh yeah, i forgot
"forgot"
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welcome to the jam
[while listening to the space jam theme song]
me: am currently strutting back and forth in my room
air-dribbling
g: hahah
through the legs
make it rain 3s!
me: these moves are red hot
g: ice hott
i'm feeling emotions
me: hahahaha "slam bam thank you ma'am"
g: on your headstone
it's time to hoop so shoop
wait
this song is about SEX
come on and jam, you want to jam
they were selling this to CHILDREN??
sick
sick
me: OBVIOUSLY. "wave your hands in the air if you feel fine"
i always say that during sex
g: NOT WAVING
hahah
i bet you actually do
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beauty is only skin deep
me: i heard that dude had a crush on me too.
we need to set up an arm wrestling match between ____ and ____ for my goodie box.
her: HAHAHAHA... good god ... you got dicks just falling out of your pockets gurl
me: haha. i can't believe it! what did he say about me? i'm curious.
her: that he thought you were hot
me: did you tell him that this beauty is all a facade and that underneath i have really small floppy tits that are just rolled up in a padded bra and 1 inch of azn cake powder covering my face?
her: I told him its just a paper bag with azn eyes drawn over it
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pussyX2

my ex keeps telling me about the hot girl he’s been on a few dates with. 

this same girl has since come into my work and asked me to fuck her.

twice. 

i declined, but may reconsider. 

imagine the bagging/bragging rights. 

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2x the kleenex

attempting to jerk off when you’re sad is so fucking depressing.

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pizza
Mollie: you should get a paddle with words cut out
me: oooh. what should it say?
Mollie: cabbage.
me: i'm not getting cabbage spanked onto my ass either
Mollie: YOU'RE A PRUDE.
"pizza"!!!
your 2 passions: spanking and pizza
coming together on the planes of your ass
me: haha
i'd do that
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You can warn your friendz, but that doesn't mean they'll listen to you
Me: Don't sweat him. He's a fucker. Keep in mind that when I was hanging out with him, he was all hung up on a 19 year old.
Her: Yeah, but I saw pictures of her and she was hot!
Me: Uh, she was OKAY. Besides all chicks that are fresh outta high school are hot. I was the hottest piece of meat on the plate TEN years ago.