B0NER PATR0L

beauty is only skin deep

me: i heard that dude had a crush on me too. 
 we need to set up an arm wrestling match between ____ and ____ for my goodie box.
her: HAHAHAHA... good god ... you got dicks just falling out of your pockets gurl
me: haha. i can't believe it! what did he say about me? i'm curious.
her: that he thought you were hot
me: did you tell him that this beauty is all a facade and that underneath i have really small floppy tits that are just rolled up in a padded bra and 1 inch of azn cake powder covering my face?
her: I told him its just a paper bag with azn eyes drawn over it

yup. »

pussyX2

my ex keeps telling me about the hot girl he’s been on a few dates with.

this same girl has since come into my work and asked me to fuck her.

twice.

i declined, but may reconsider.

imagine the bagging/bragging rights.

2x the kleenex

attempting to jerk off when you’re sad is so fucking depressing.

pizza

Mollie: you should get a paddle with words cut out
me: oooh. what should it say?
Mollie: cabbage.
me: i'm not getting cabbage spanked onto my ass either
Mollie: YOU'RE A PRUDE.
 "pizza"!!!
your 2 passions: spanking and pizza
 coming together on the planes of your ass
me: haha
 i'd do that

6
NOTES

You can warn your friendz, but that doesn't mean they'll listen to you

Me: Don't sweat him. He's a fucker. Keep in mind that when I was hanging out with him, he was all hung up on a 19 year old. 
Her: Yeah, but I saw pictures of her and she was hot!
Me: Uh, she was OKAY. Besides all chicks that are fresh outta high school are hot. I was the hottest piece of meat on the plate TEN years ago.

4
NOTES

i want a soft heart inside a hard dick.

“

—

tribe 8

2
NOTES

Body Teenie, Big Weenie

Her: how was the date?
me: so after we left the bar, we went to this skincare/spa place that he co-owns with one of his exgirlfriends and he let me steal some nice products. we listened to grizzly bear... and then made out on like this massage table
Her: wtf hahahaha
me: and i got dirt all over the nice sheets on the table from my boots
Her: random date
me: and he was like 'whatever fuck it'
Her: was it good?
me: i felt his boner thru his jeans... he's got a big jewish dick. i'm supposed to hang out with him again on sunday. i'm like 99% sure i'm gonna bone him. 
Her: hahaha he looks like he is confident in bed
me: i'm sure he is. the makeouts are pretty hot, he is so short compared to most dudez i d8. i don't really care though.
   ok, 4real...
   i let him suck my titties.
Her: hahahahaha
   I just burst outload laughing
   "for real girl, I gave him some nip"
me: i did though. then he tried to go in for my crotch, but i'm riding the crimson wave... so i just pretended like i'm really lady like and don't do shit like that on the first date.
Her: hahahahahahahahahaha

1
NOTES

boner-killing mixtape '11 »

3
NOTES

procrastinating

me: tell me more about getting railed in the butt.
her: haha... it was pretty good. the first time, he barely got it in before i made him stop, but that was a couple weeks ago. the other day i didn't want to go to boxing practice but he was making me.
me: well thats good. you should go to boxing.... but instead you let him fuck you in the ass. 
her: DOY!!! i said, "what if i just take some muscle relaxers and let you fuck me in the ass instead?"